Alan's Admirer
by BubbleGuppiesFan96
Summary: Jake's new tutor, 18 year old Adriana, takes an instant liking to Alan. But maybe she likes him a little too much. Self insert fanfic.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first Two and A Half Men fanfic. This takes place while Charlie was alive (so no Walden) and while Jake was a little boy. This is also a self insert fanfic. Read and review. **

It was a Saturday morning in the Harper household. Jake was enjoying a bowl of cereal while Alan was eating some toast while waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. Charlie came into the kitchen looking completely out of it.

"Another drunken escapade?" Alan said with an amused tone.

Charlie paid no attention and grabbed Alan's coffee.

"Um, excuse me? That's my coffee," Alan said, less than amused.

"Boo-hoo, cry me a river!" Charlie snapped. Alan turned to Jake.

"So I talked to your mom last night," Alan says.

"About what?" Jake asked, with a slightly panicked tone in his voice.

"Woah, don't worry, it's nothing bad. You see, one of your mother's friends has a daughter in high school who would like to tutor you," Alan explained.

Suddenly Berta walked into the kitchen from the garage.

"What's going on here?" Berta asked.

"One of Judith's friends has a daughter who has volunteered to tutor Jake," Alan explained.

Berta suddenly turned to Charlie.

"Hey, Casanova, you'd better keep your pants on," Berta said.

Charlie raised his eyebrows and held his arms up defensively.

"Why do you automatically assume…" Charlie begins.

"For your information," Alan intervenes, "she is only 18 and can't even drive yet."

"I personally don't see any point in hiring a tutor. We all know I'm not going anywhere," Jake protests.

"Come on, just give her a try. She starts tomorrow," Alan said.

"And I will (air quotes) keep my pants on," Charlie says.

"You'd better!" Alan, Jake, and Berta said in unison.


	2. Chapter 2

About the same time the next morning, the doorbell rang.

"Alright, I'm coming," Charlie said as he came down the stairs.

He opened the door. In the doorway stood a girl that was about 5' 6". She had dark brown hair that was dyed into two low pigtails. Her long bangs covered her forehead. She wore a green long sleeved shirt and blue jeans. On her back, she had a pink flowered backpack. She silently stared at Charlie.

"Um, can I help you?" Charlie asked.

"The name's Adriana. I'm here to tutor Jake Harper," the girl said. Charlie took a good look at the girl.

"I'm sorry, but the tutor we're expecting is 18," Charlie explained. Adriana suddenly gave Charlie an angry look.

"I AM 18! Just because I'm short and don't run around in skimpy outfits like most 18 year olds doesn't make me really young!" Adriana shouted. Charlie was aghast.

"Gee. I'm sorry, I didn't know," Charlie said.

"So can I come in or not?" Adriana asked.

"Sure," Charlie said as he stepped aside. Adriana put her backpack on the floor and sat on the couch.

"So, you know Jake?" Adriana asked.

"He's my nephew," Charlie said.

"Oh, you must be Charlie. I heard Judith talk to my mom about you," Adriana said.

Alan came into the living room followed by Jake.

"Oh, hello," Alan greeted wholeheartedly.

Adriana turned her head towards Alan's voice. She smiled shyly at him. She stood up from the couch.

"Hello. I'm Adriana. You must be Alan, and this little guy must be Jake," Adriana said as she looked both of them in the eyes.

"So, can I get you anything?" Alan asked.

"I could really use a snack. I have trouble concentrating if I'm hungry," Adriana explained.

"Sure thing," Alan said. Alan and Charlie both go into the kitchen.

"Ok, so what exactly are you struggling in?" Adriana asked.

"Everything. School really blows," Jake said.

"(sigh) Oh boy. Lucky for you I'm a very good student. So I'll try and teach you all I know," Adriana stated.

"Well, ok, then," Jake mumbled halfheartedly.


	3. Chapter 3

While Adriana was attempting to teach Jake "everything she knows" Charlie and Alan were discussing what they think of their guest.

"She seems like a very nice young lady," Alan said in an impressive tone.

"Just don't piss her off," Charlie warned.

"What do you mean?" Alan asks.

"Because when I told her she didn't look 18, she got all mad and started yelling at me. It just really threw me off," Charlie said.

Meanwhile, Berta came downstairs carrying a laundry basket. She silently stared at Adriana as she made her way to the kitchen.

"Now the thing to remember is that in algebra, there's always a solution, even if it takes a while to solve it," Adriana explained as she guided Jake through his homework. Berta finally entered the kitchen.

"Who's the girl in the pigtails?" Berta asked.

"That's Adriana, Jake's tutor," Alan said. Berta looked at Adriana again.

"She doesn't look 18," Berta said.

Jake came into the kitchen. He grabbed a bag of chips and two sodas from the fridge.

"She was wondering where her snack was," Jake explained.

"Oh! Oh, I forgot," Alan said as he shook his head.

"Wait a minute. Why didn't she just get up and get it herself?" Charlie asked.

"I'm not sure. She said it had something to do with sponges," Jake said as he went into the living room.

"Oh! I think she told him she didn't want to sponge off us," Alan said.

"Funny how she's concerned with sponging off me but here you are happily sponging away," Charlie said, very amused. Alan glared at him.

* * *

Later that evening, Charlie, Alan, Jake, and Adriana were eating pizza for dinner.

"So, how was the tutoring session?" Alan asked, trying to start a conversation.

"It was ok. Except that he kept humming the Spongebob theme while we were trying to read," Adriana said.

"Well I couldn't help it. Once you said the word sponge, that song got stuck in my head," Jake said.

Adriana responded by bringing her slice of pizza close to her mouth and quietly mumbling "please don't yell at me" and taking a bite.

"Where did you learn the word sponge in that context?" Charlie wonders. Adriana turned her head toward Charlie and gave him a glare.

"I'm 18, I'm 12 out of 82 in my class, and I took classes at my local community college. I think I'm smart enough to use the word sponge to mean something other than an absorbent cleaning utensil," Adriana said in a snobbish way.

Suddenly there was a car horn blasting outside the house.

"Ooh, my ride's here. It was nice to meet all of you," Adriana said while bowing her head.

"Bye," Charlie and Jake say in a passive tone.

"Goodbye Adriana. It was nice having you," Alan said while smiling.

"Bye Alan," Adriana said in a sweet, shy tone. She headed out the door.


	4. Chapter 4

The following Wednesday, Alan got the mail.

"Mail call!" Alan shouted, even though Charlie was probably still sleeping. He began to sort through the mail.

"Let's see. Junk, junk, alimony notice, advertisements, junk," Alan mumbled. Suddenly, he came across a light pink envelope.

"What's this?" As Alan looked at the return address, he noticed a familiar name.

"Huh?" Alan mumbled. Charlie came downstairs.

"What's up?" he asked.

"I just got this in the mail. It's from Adriana," Alan said, showing the pink envelope to Charlie.

"Huh. Maybe it's a ransom note," Charlie teased. Alan glared at his brother.

"Why the hell would she put a ransom note in a pink envelope? Although...there's only one way to find out exactly what it is." His curiosity was fully piqued so he tore open the envelope.

Inside, there was a piece of paper folded in half. He unfolded the paper and read aloud what was inside.

"Dear Alan, it's Adriana. I wanted to ask if you could maybe give me a tour of the city. My mom is hanging out with Judith and is totally cool with the idea of you showing me around. After all, I am a young Coloradan that doesn't know anything about California. So, what do you say? Sincerely Yours, Adriana."

Charlie and Alan take a moment to let that sink in a little bit.

"Did she just ask you to go on a DATE?!" Charlie wonders.

"It can't be a date. Let's analyze this for a second. She wants me to show her around a strange place without her mother's supervision. Just me alone with an 18 year old girl," Alan pondered.

Charlie looks at Alan and nods his head slowly.

"My God...she _IS _asking me out on a date," Alan said in a shocked tone.


	5. Chapter 5

"So, suppose this is a date, and no doubt it is, what exactly are you going to do?" Charlie asks.

"I don't know...go through with it I guess. But maybe I shouldn't act like it's a date even though it clearly is," Alan said.

Suddenly Rose climbed up the deck (of course) and knocked on the glass door. Charlie and Alan turned their attention to her.

"Rose couldn't have picked a worst time to come," Alan said, still utterly confused about his little dilemma. Charlie decided to let her in.

"Hey, guys," Rose greeted as she sauntered over to Alan. "I heard about Adriana. And if you want my advice, spend time with her but don't lead her on," Rose said.

"That's...some advice coming from you," Alan replied. Rose handed Alan a sticky note.

"Here, I got her cell phone number." Alan took the sticky note and grabbed the phone.

After he dialed, he held the phone up to his ear. It just took one ring for Adriana to answer.

"Um, hello, Adriana? This is Alan. Well I got your letter and..." Alan paused for a second and listened to the other line. "Yes, well, that was an appealing offer...Uh huh...Well, I've given it some thought and I think I will take you up on your offer...Boy, you seem pretty excited...oh, you're welcome...tomorrow's great...I guess I'll see you then...ok, goodbye." Alan hung up the phone.

Charlie and Rose stared at him.

"What?" Alan wondered.

"How exactly did she react when you told her you accept her offer?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah. You said she seemed pretty excited," Rose agreed.

"She just thanked me...4 times," Alan explained.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day, Charlie was watching TV when suddenly there was a knock at the door. Charlie got up to answer it, and sure enough, it was Adriana. She was dressed in a black t-shirt with a large white heart on it decorated with pink diagonal stripes. She also wore a pair of blue jeans and sneakers. Her hair was put in pigtails and she wore a black newsboy cap.

"Um, hi, Adriana," Charlie greeted.

"Hey. Do I look ok?" Adriana asked.

"Um, sure, you look great," Charlie said.

"Where's my beau...d-uh, I mean Alan!" Adriana panicked.

Charlie looked at the 18 year old with astonishment. He clearly heard her call Alan her beau. But he decided to look past it.

"He's...in the shower," Charlie answered.

"Oh no. I'm too early," Adriana said as she slapped the side of her head. "Wait, I want him to be surprised when he sees how cute I look. So here's what we'll do: when he gets out of the shower and comes in here, I want you to act like you're gonna go check the mail. Give me the word, and then you go back, introduce me, and then I make my entrance. Ok?" Adriana explained.

Charlie was stunned that Adriana was taking her date with Alan so seriously, even though they aren't even _on_ the date yet.

"Is...an elaborate introduction..." Charlie asks.

Adriana cuts him off. "Really necessary? No of course not. What was I thinking? It's so stupid and very unnecessary," Adriana said quickly. Adriana simply sat on the couch.

Charlie went into Alan's room and knocked on his bathroom door.

"Alan, I think we've got a problem," Charlie said quietly so no one can hear him.

Alan came out of the bathroom wearing a blue robe.

"What are you talking about? What problem?" Alan asked.

"You're little guest in there is ridiculously obsessed with you...and she hasn't even gone out with you yet," Charlie said, pointing toward the living room.

"You mean Adriana? What do you mean she's ridiculously obsessed with me?" Alan wonders.

"Well apparently she wanted me to introduce her so you'll be surprised to see her," Charlie explained. Alan gave him a funny look.

"Oh and one other thing. She called you her beau!" This certainly caught Alan's attention. He gave a surprised look. "She called me her beau?" Alan paused for a second. "Aww, how cute," Alan finally said while smiling.

"CUTE? That's not cute, that's creepy and bizarre," Charlie retorted.


	7. Chapter 7

"That is the most absurd thing I've ever heard," Alan said.

"I swear Alan, she's taking the date way too damn seriously," Charlie claimed.

"I won't hear anymore of this. I'm going to prove to you that Adriana is a sweet perfectly normal girl and this is an innocent perfectly normal date. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get dressed," Alan said as he opened his bedroom door and gestured for Charlie to leave.

As Charlie went into the living room, he saw Adriana pacing back and forth with a worried look on her face.

"Um...are you ok?" Charlie asked.

"Gum! Gum, I need gum. You've got any gum?!" Adriana panicked.

Before Charlie could answer, Rose knocked on the glass door of the deck. In her panicked state, hearing the sound of Rose's knocking made Adriana jump.

"Yahh!" Adriana screamed.

She turned her attention to the door as Charlie went to open it. After Rose came in, she immediately walked toward Adriana.

"Hi, you must be Adriana. I'm Rose, Charlie's stalker," Rose said.

Rose extended her hand out and Adriana shook it.

"Um...nice to meet you," Adriana said awkwardly.

Out of the corner of her eye, Adriana spotted Alan coming into the living room. She immediately sprang from Rose's grasp and beamed at the sight of Alan.

"Oh, hello there," Adriana said sweetly as she adjusted her hat.

"Oh, my. You look pretty cute," Alan compliments.

With her eyes wide, Adriana twirled her left pigtail and smiled softly.

"Thank you so much. And you look adorable...I mean handsome," Adriana said in a soft, shy tone.

"Did you just say I look adorable?" Alan asked.

"Why, I do not know what you mean," Adriana said in an almost dazed way.

"So, shall we get going?" Alan asked.

"Absolutely," Adriana said. The two of them walk to the front door. Alan opens it and gestures out the door in a silent "after you". Adriana bows her head and walks out the door. Alan follows and closes the door behind him.


	8. Chapter 8

Alan and Adriana are now sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.

"If you don't mind me asking, why did you decide to ask me to take you on a tour of the city instead of going with your mom and Judith?" Alan wonders.

"To be honest, I don't really like Judith," Adriana replies.

"Oh? Why not?" Alan asks.

"Because she's been really mean and unfair to you. Divorcing you like that, you poor dear," Adriana said as she dipped a fry in ketchup and ate it.

Alan was stunned that Adriana _cared_ so much despite the fact that she didn't even know him. What really drew his attention is the fact that she called him "poor dear". He decided to address this.

"Um...poor dear?" Alan said. Adriana gasped and slammed both her hands over her mouth as if she said something very inappropriate.

"You heard that?! I'm so embarrassed. There's totally egg on my face. Just...forget I said anything," Adriana said in alarm.

"Woah, calm down," Alan said loudly. Adriana silently stared at Alan. Alan looked Adriana straight in the eye.

"It's ok that you have a little...crush on me. There's no need to be embarrassed," Alan said gently.

Adriana responded by smiling and grabbing Alan's hand.

"I feel much better now. Thank you, Mr. Alan Harper," Adriana whispered. Alan smiled.

The two of them spent several minutes talking and getting to know each other.

"That was some story about your father," Alan said sympathetically.

"Screw that! Your life is worse. Your family doesn't give two shits about you! Even Jake, you're son, you're flesh and blood, you're pride and joy, doesn't even think twice about what a good thing he's got. And don't even get me started on Judith...again. I still can't believe she threw an adorable sweetheart like you in the street. And for what? So you can pay her thousands of dollars in alimony? You poor hun-bun," Adriana said.

She got up from the table and stood next to Alan. She caressed Alan's head against her chest.

"Life isn't fair, is it my little bubbly blue bon-bon?" Adriana whispered as she stroke Alan's head. Alan was completely flabbergasted.


	9. Chapter 9

The following Friday morning, Alan was in the The kitchen with a look on his face that said "what the hell _was_ that?" Charlie came into the kitchen well rested.

"Hey," Charlie said passively as he poured himself some coffee. Alan was silent.

"You know, I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that Adriana was caressing you like you were a child and she was your mother, but you guys were the same age as you are in real life," Charlie stated.

"That was no dream. That was real," Alan said.

"What do you mean?" Charlie asked.

"During our date, we started talking. After I told her about how you guys treat me, she felt like she needed to pity me. She caressed me and started calling me weird pet names like 'hun bun' and 'bubbly blue bon bon'. It was strange to think that a total stranger cared so much about me," Alan explained.

Charlie suddenly snickered.

"What?" Alan asked.

"I was just (snicker) w-what did she call you again? (snicker)" Charlie asked.

Alan glared at him. "Hun bun and bubbly blue bon bon," Alan repeated.

Charlie burst out laughing. Alan ignored him. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Alan went to answer it and it was Judith and Jake.

"Hello," Alan greeted.

"Jake, please go to your room. I'd like to speak to your father alone," Judith instructed.

"Ok," Jake said as he headed to his room.

Alan looked and noticed that Judith had sort of an angry look on her face.


	10. Chapter 10

"What's the problem, Judith?" Alan asked as his ex-wife stepped into the house.

"What were you thinking?!" Judith said, practically shouting.

"What are you talking about?" Alan wondered.

"Taking Adriana on a quote, unquote date! Are you insane?" Judith explained at top volume.

"So I took her on a date, what's the big deal?" Alan asked as he shrugged.

"The big deal is that she didn't tell her mom where she was," Judith explained.

"What? Well the letter she sent me a few days prior to the date said that her mom was ok with it," Alan said.

"Well she lied," Judith said.

"Well, when she comes over later, I'll talk to her," Alan said.

Before the two of them knew it, there was a knock at the door. Alan answered and it was Adriana. She was dressed in a dark blue short sleeved shirt and black yoga pants. Her hair surprisingly wasn't in pigtails, but rather her hair was down and held by a headband. Upon hearing the knock, Charlie came into the living room. Adriana was not aware that Judith or Charlie was in the room.

"Hello," Adriana said cheerfully. Once she saw Charlie and especially Judith, she became serious.

"Hello, Mr. Harper," Adriana said in a more reserved, unenthusiastic tone. Alan turned to Judith then back to Adriana.

"Um, I really have to talk to you," Alan whispered to Adriana.

"Can't it wait until after the tutoring session?" Adriana begged.

"Of course," Alan replied. Adriana stepped inside while Judith left.


	11. Chapter 11

A few hours later, the tutoring session was done. Alan stepped into the living room.

"Jake, go watch TV. I have to talk to Adriana," Alan said. Jake left the room and Alan opened the glass door leading to the deck.

"We'll talk out here," Alan told Adriana. Once they were both out on the deck, Alan closed the door.

"Something on your mind, boo-boo bear?" Adriana asked Alan.

"Um, yes, there is..." Alan began.

"You know, sorry to interrupt, but I just gotta say, it's a pretty smooth move on your part to let us talk out here. It's pretty romantic," Adriana said while smiling and batting her eyes at Alan.

"Be that as it may, what I have to talk to you about is serious," Alan stated in a serious manner.

Adriana gave Alan a sad look that said "oh no".

"What's the matter, Alan?" Adriana asked solemnly.

"You lied to me. You said your mother knew about our date but Judith informed me that she didn't," Alan explained.

For a few seconds, Adriana remained silent. She briefly gave Alan a look of guilt and moved her eyes away from him. While biting her lip, she looked toward the ground. She finally looked at Alan.

"I had to lie. My mom would never understand my crush on you. She would forbid me to ever come near this place or see you again," Adriana explained.

"If that's the case... then I don't think you should come around here anymore," Alan said solemnly.

"But Alan...I care about you. I don't want this to end this way. You're such a good, sweet, nice person and you deserve someone who will treat you right. Not only do I think I'm the right girl for the job, but I also think I'm the _only_ girl for the job!" Adriana declared. While she was doing this, she clasped her hands together in a begging manner.


	12. Chapter 12

To Alan's surprise, Adriana wrapped her arms around him. Alan felt a sad energy that sent chills up his spine.

"You've got to understand. I've never liked a guy this strongly before. On top of that, you're such an unhappy soul that needs someone, anyone, to stretch out their hand and..." Adriana was now on the brink of tears.

She looked up at Alan with glossy eyes that signifies that she is very close to crying. This only made the chills in Alan's spine spread throughout his body and make it feel cold and clammy.

"Like I was saying, you need someone to love you. And it doesn't matter if I'm 18 and you're...um, 40-ish? Well, anyway, age doesn't matter to me. As long as someone has a good heart and good personality, I'm all for it," Adriana said. She was actually crying at that point.

"Please. If you don't want this...at least end it on a happier note. I don't want this to be a sad thing. I want it to be heartfelt," Adriana sobbed.

After about 5 seconds of listening to Adriana sob, Alan started to stroke the top of Adriana's head. He then ran his hand down her cheek and underneath her chin. Using his hand, he lifted Adriana's head up a little bit.

"You have very good intentions, and I understand your desire to make me happy. But I'm afraid we can't risk what we have by turning this into a romantic thing. You're not quite an adult, and we have such a large age difference. I could get arrested for being involved with you," Alan explained.

"(Sniff) That's right, you can! I certainly wouldn't want to be the cause of you being sent to prison!" Adriana gasped.

Adriana briefly turned her head away, but Alan put his hand on her cheek and turned her head towards him.

"Don't be sad. We can still be friends," Alan said in a comforting tone.

"(Sniff) We-we can?" Adriana asked as she wiped away a tear.

"Of course we can. You'll be graduating high school soon, won't you?" Alan asked.

"Mm-hmm," Adriana replied as she nodded.

"Well, we can certainly keep in touch. We can send letters, exchange phone calls, and maybe you can come back and visit sometime," Alan replied with a smile.

Adriana's heart began to feel overjoyed knowing that she can at the very least be friends with Alan. She hugged him very tight and he held her in embrace. Unable to contain herself, Adriana gave Alan a kiss on the cheek. After she was done, the two of them looked at each other with wide-eyed, dazed expressions. Then they both burst out in laugher.


	13. Chapter 13

**Epilogue**

It was four months since Alan and Adriana said farewell to each other. At this time, Jake had ended middle school and was about to enter high school. One day, Alan came across an envelope with Adriana's name in the return address. Alan smiled as he opened the envelope. It was another hand written letter that he decided to read aloud.

"Dear Alan, it's Adriana again. I graduate in a few weeks. I've also been accepted to the University of Colorado, Colorado Springs. On a side note, I just wanted to thank you for being a part of my life. I hope you will still continue living where you live now so I can continue sending you letters. Once you change your address, and by that I mean if you change it, send me a letter immediately. I hope to hear from you again soon. Love, Adriana. XOXO"

Alan was so touched by the last part of Adriana's letter that he smiled lovingly and put his hand on his heart. From that day on, Alan and Adriana continued to speak to each other as Adriana continued college for a degree in Theatre. They remained the closest of friends.

**The End**


End file.
